A Vicious Cycle...

I OFTEN TALK TO MYSELF, NOT OUT LOUD, BUT IN MY HEAD. I FIND I DO THIS AFTER I EXPERIENCE A ROUGH DAY, A TRYING TIME. I ALLOW MYSELF TO WRITE A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS IN MY MIND, AND TONIGHT I WILL LET YOU IN. 

PARENTING A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD CAN PUT YOU INTO A VICIOUS CYCLE.

A GAME YOU PLAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN YOUR MIND.

FEELINGS YOU FEEL THAT ARE HARD TO ADMIT EXSIST...

BUT REALISTICALLY KNOWING YOUR CONSTANT POSITIVITY AND PATIENCE CAN ONLY LAST SO LONG. BEFORE YOU WANT TO CRACK. 

THOUGHTS CIRCLE, AS ANXIETY BUILDS.
I AM SAD THAT HE IS IN SO MUCH PAIN.
I AM MAD THAT HIS SADNESS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
I AM SAD THAT IM MAD THAT HIS PAIN IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY.
BECAUSE HE CANNOT HELP THE PAIN HE FEELS.
HE ISN'T IN CONTROL.
I CAN CONTROL MY EMOTIONS, BUT WHY DO I FIND MYSELF WANTING TO EXPLODE!
ITS NOT HIS FAULT.
WHO CAN I BLAME?
I SHOULN'T BE FEELING THIS WAY. I SHOULDN'T BE GETTING UPSET OR RAISING MY VOICE AT HIM TO STOP CRYING.
I TELL HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN HE IS OKAY, YET I KNOW HE IS NOT AND I'M LYING RIGHT TO HIS FACE.
BUT I JUST CANT STAND TO HEAR THOSE SCREAMS AND CRIES OF AGONY FOR ONE MORE SECOND.
I JUST WANT HIM TO BE QUIET!
I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODE.
I NEED TO BREATHE.
ITS OUT OF MY CONTROL.
STEP AWAY.
INHALE.
EXHALE.
RESET.
AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.


...BECAUSE ON THIS JOURNEY THERE IS THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY. AND TODAY FELT LIKE AN UGLY DAY, AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO VENT.