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Diaries of a Special Needs Mom​

A Vicious Cycle...

3/24/2017

3 Comments

 
I OFTEN TALK TO MYSELF, NOT OUT LOUD, BUT IN MY HEAD. I FIND I DO THIS AFTER I EXPERIENCE A ROUGH DAY, A TRYING TIME. I ALLOW MYSELF TO WRITE A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS IN MY MIND, AND TONIGHT I WILL LET YOU IN. 

PARENTING A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD CAN PUT YOU INTO A VICIOUS CYCLE.

A GAME YOU PLAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN YOUR MIND.

FEELINGS YOU FEEL THAT ARE HARD TO ADMIT EXSIST...

BUT REALISTICALLY KNOWING YOUR CONSTANT POSITIVITY AND PATIENCE CAN ONLY LAST SO LONG. BEFORE YOU WANT TO CRACK. 

THOUGHTS CIRCLE, AS ANXIETY BUILDS.
I AM SAD THAT HE IS IN SO MUCH PAIN.
I AM MAD THAT HIS SADNESS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
I AM SAD THAT IM MAD THAT HIS PAIN IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY.
BECAUSE HE CANNOT HELP THE PAIN HE FEELS.
HE ISN'T IN CONTROL.
I CAN CONTROL MY EMOTIONS, BUT WHY DO I FIND MYSELF WANTING TO EXPLODE!
ITS NOT HIS FAULT.
WHO CAN I BLAME?
I SHOULN'T BE FEELING THIS WAY. I SHOULDN'T BE GETTING UPSET OR RAISING MY VOICE AT HIM TO STOP CRYING.
I TELL HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN HE IS OKAY, YET I KNOW HE IS NOT AND I'M LYING RIGHT TO HIS FACE.
BUT I JUST CANT STAND TO HEAR THOSE SCREAMS AND CRIES OF AGONY FOR ONE MORE SECOND.
I JUST WANT HIM TO BE QUIET!
I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODE.
I NEED TO BREATHE.
ITS OUT OF MY CONTROL.
STEP AWAY.
INHALE.
EXHALE.
RESET.
AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.


...BECAUSE ON THIS JOURNEY THERE IS THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY. AND TODAY FELT LIKE AN UGLY DAY, AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO VENT. 
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3 Comments
Amber Johnson
3/24/2017 11:58:26 pm

This is beautiful and 100% so true thank you for putting it all into words. I wish the best for your little family and that you all find peace

Reply
Lisa Johnson
3/25/2017 08:59:56 pm

I can't say it better than Amber...."100% so true"......Thank you for sharing your truth...letting people in to see....the good, bad, AND the ugly... how mightily you love and love and love and deCIDE to wake up to love again. It's not at all easy. I thank you for sharing the reality of your situation...not just the pretty smiles and victories hard-won, but the nitty-gritty of it.

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Flat Roofing Contractors Gardena link
9/26/2022 04:43:00 am

Thanks greatt blog

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    My name is Melly Brown. I am the mother to Silas, who has profound special needs due to a brain injury at birth. I'm here to blog about the nitty gritty, raw truth about raising a child with special needs. The highs, the lows, the ups, the downs. I will review some of our favorite products, share the secrets of how to navigate this special needs life, and vent about some of our toughest days, and most rewarding as well. Join me in my journey, I do not walk this life alone, and would like to spread awareness for all those out there who live this crazy tough special life! 

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